It started off great. We see a pediatric dentist, so the waiting room was amazing -- filled with giant stuffed jungle animals, old-school arcade games, a train table, blocks, and more. When it was our turn, the boys marched back to the exam area without an ounce of trepidation. The hygienist asked who wanted to go first and Grant jumped up and said "I do!" so up he went into the chair.
Ms. Liz let him feel her "tickle toothbrush" spinning around, and then he got to choose what flavor toothpaste he wanted (cherry). He looked a little nervous, but he answered all of her questions and put on a brave face. Getting to wear cool sunglasses helped.
Then he laid back like a champ and didn't move a muscle (or crack a smile) during the cleaning.
It only took a few minutes of brushing, flossing, and scraping and he was done. Ms. Liz gave him a coin for being so brave, and he got to put it in the toy vending machine and choose a prize. On the way back to the table, Grant put his hand on Reid's back and gently nudged him forward, like "Ok, brother, it's your turn now!"
Reid sat in my lap and watched the entire production with Grant, so he was ready for his turn and climbed up and laid down like it was old hat. He got to touch the tickle toothbrush as well, and he also picked cherry for his toothpaste flavor.
Right before Ms. Liz started the cleaning, Reid said, in a shaky little voice, "Hold my hand, Mommy." Bless his sweet heart. Grant, who was standing practically on top of him, beat me to it, so Reid got some extra moral support.
He was a total trooper, and then it was time for x-rays. Reid volunteered to go first this time, and he was stoic... if a little sad.
(Doesn't that baby look so pitiful?? It could break my heart!)
It all seemed to go fine, even though they had to redo the molar x-rays a few times because apparently biting down on the film is hard to do (more on that in a second). Ms. Liz told him to bite like a big dinosaur, and that eventually seemed to do the trick. Little did we know...
Then it was Grant's turn, and he just hopped right up.
And again with the molar x-rays... what you see in that last picture is a child on the verge of telling Ms. Liz what she can do with that film. We made it through with no tears (and no x-ray of his left molars because we gave up). Then it was back to the treat dispenser, this time for stick-on mustaches.
I can't even handle them. Grant wore his fu manchu for an hour.
I'm not going to lie, I was starting to feel a smidge cocky about how great they were doing, how well-behaved they were being, how well-mannered they were acting, how I was managing beautifully by myself, etc. Let us not forget that pride comes before the fall.
We walked back over the chair and the dentist was ready to do her exam... and I'm still not sure what happened, but all hell broke loose. Reid started kicking/screaming/bawling and trying to run away from the table. I seriously think my mouth must have fallen open. I picked him up and tried to calm him down, but he was having none of it. He had a death-grip on my shirt, showing everyone in the room both my bra and my stomach, God help them all.
I turned to Grant, who at this point was starting to get worked up from watching Reid, so I turned back to Reid and went to lay him down on the chair. Well. Reid lost his mind. He threw such a colossal fit that HE GAVE HIMSELF A NOSEBLEED. A nosebleed from crying so hard. I mean, have you ever...??
So now Reid is in hysterics, with blood pouring out of his nose (and all over his shirt, my shirt, and my jeans), Grant is crying, and I'm standing there holding Reid, on the verge of tears myself, and wanting to absolutely disappear. I finally calm Reid down enough to take care of his nose, while a nurse distracts Grant with questions about bulldozers and backhoes. After a few minutes, we manage to get Grant calm enough that he sits in my lap and lays his head in the dentist's lap so she can check his teeth. At that point all is forgotten for Grant -- he gets his token for the treat machine and he's back in action.
I'm not sure how we (three nurses, Grant, and I) managed to get Reid calmed down -- some combination of bribes, threats, and prayers -- but finally I have him convinced that it will be ok if he sits in my lap and lets the dentist look in his mouth. The whole time he is saying "No biting, I don't wanna bite, I don't wanna bite," so at this point I'm realizing that the x-rays must have traumatized him. So I promise him repeatedly that he won't have to bite, no more biting, no one's going to make you bite, you don't have to bite, baby... The dentist is on board and we reach a tenuous (at best) peace treaty.
And then. AND THEN. He lays down in my lap, she gets to poking around in his mouth, and before she even realizes what she's doing, she says "Can you bite down for me?" and it all starts over again. She literally smacked herself in the forehead and I could tell she felt terrible. I would have laughed if I hadn't been trying to keep from punching her.
Oh, and just because this part really does make me laugh out loud now: At one point she said "He feels a bit warm, doesn't he?" as if maybe he was coming down with something that could explain his mania. Yes, yes he does BECAUSE HE IS ACTING LIKE A CRAZY PERSON.
Thankfully we made it out of there alive, and of course by the time we got to the car Reid had taken the liberty of writing a little revisionist history and kept saying "I was so brave, Mama!" as if maybe I would forget the horror that had just taken place. Here he shows me his clean teeth:
See how shell-shocked he looks?
In these videos, taken while we waited in the Chick-fil-a drive-through line, they tell you in their own words how it went:
And that concludes the longest blog post in the history of the world. If you need me, I'll be drinking heavily. Oh, and recovering from the heart attack I had at 7:00 this morning when I walked out of our bedroom and saw this utter insanity going down:
I really think they're trying to kill me.
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